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capkinkmod ([personal profile] capkinkmod) wrote in [community profile] capkink2014-02-11 08:29 pm

Prompt Post 1

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At least one of the characters in your prompt must have been in Captain America: The First Avenger or Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

As of May 3, 2014, the spoiler policy is no longer in effect.

Update, April 22, 2014:
For fills, please use the following format:
Fill: Title
Including the pairing, warnings/CNTW, and any other information after the fill and title in the subject line or in the first line of the comment.

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Fill: Baby, You Shouldn't Be Alive [4/7?]

[personal profile] twinkats 2014-05-19 11:13 am (UTC)(link)
Steve wasn’t sure how he survived going through basic when he knew he could keel over without the slightest trouble. He could remember Bucky, he could remember how Bucky reacted to his latest brush with death. He could remember the world going black while he was in Bucky’s arms. He had the faintest memory of something wet, of Bucky pleading.

He remembered waking up, remembered how terrified Bucky looked and remembered how clingy Bucky had been before he shipped out the next day. It leave Steve breathless and terrified and wondering how out of it he’d been that time, didn’t bother with the denials and the pretending it didn’t happen because it did. Bucky had been there, Bucky had seen and with how shattered Bucky had looked--

Steve shoved the thoughts away, shoved them down and deep as he straightened his tie and then his hat. He survived without incident and that was a miracle, he knew it was a miracle. He’d not had a single asthma attack, or a strike of cold, or his heart acting up and funny with all the strenuous activity as it did from time to time. His chest hurt, but then that wasn’t anything new, really. Steve went through life in pain.

Assured that he looked impeccable Steve glanced to the little box full of letters. He reached out to touch them, to remind himself why he was doing this.

(he’d told Erskine it was bullies, that wasn’t a lie, but he also only got the notion in his head when Bucky enlisted)

Bucky had written him once every week. Steve didn’t read any hint in Bucky’s letters about what he saw, about what Steve did (or didn’t) do. He saw no sign that Bucky even knew what happened except that the letters weren’t quite Bucky. There was something wrong about them.

I do this for him, Steve reminded himself, and then slipped a lid on the box and pressed it into his trunk before he left the barracks completely. The car ride over Steve spent in reminiscence. Every alley he mentioned to Peggy, voice growing a bit more bitter at each statement, he thought of other instances that happened.

“I got beat up in that alley,” Steve said. I died in that alley, he thought. The next three alley’s he could remember dying, remember the feel of it pulling him under, remember the dark and then remember waking up to Bucky standing over him, shaking his shoulder and slapping his check, or sometimes just waking up alone.

The next three alley’s had more pleasant memories alongside being beaten. Two of them Bucky came to his rescue, which he didn’t want to admit he needed rescuing but he did. The third he and Bucky had been completely drunk, coming home after a night of bar hopping and in Bucky’s case an unsuccessful hookup. In that alley Steve had kissed Bucky.

Bucky didn’t remember it, but Steve did.

The alley after that Steve had sucked Bucky off.

(Bucky didn’t remember that one either)

The rest of the alley’s were back to deaths and beatings. Steve turned away. He let his mind drift off to Bucky’s letters and before he knew it they were at the building where whatever the SSR and Erskine wanted to do to him would happen. The rest of the time leading up to the procedure was a blur, really, a mix of faces and greetings and smiles and nerves.

Steve only came back to himself as he laid on the table. It was cold and it jolted him out of memory. Erskine pressed pads down to hold him, pressed a needle into his skin.

“That wasn’t too bad,” Steve said. Erskine gave him a look.

“That was penicillin,” Erskine told him. Steve didn’t quite blush although his ears reddened a bit. A second later, a minute later, the real injections began and it was a faint burning sensation that caused Steve’s eyes to snap open wide in response.

Steve had a bad feeling. The fire spread as the doors to the pod closed around him and Steve clenched his eyes shut. The world around him lit up in what Erskine dubbed Vita Rays and the fire grew nearly unbearable. At first Steve clenched his jaw. He thought, this feels like dying for a moment. He refused to scream, he refused to let it show.

He began to scream. Distantly he could hear yelling, he could hear someone say to turn it off. The burning was replaced with lead.

No, nonononono they can’t they can’t I’ll die and they’ll see they can’t better that they don’t know they don’t see his thoughts were a whirl of panic.

“No! I can take it! Keep going!”

When they didn’t stop, when they kept going, it was almost a relief to accept the pain, to accept the burning. It felt like he was being immolated. Steve screamed until he couldn’t scream, until it suddenly went numb instead of painful, until he blacked out.

(until he died)

Steve came back as they were opening the pod. He felt different. His head felt light. He felt like he was floating. He was breathing deeper and stronger than he’d ever breathed before. His eyes opened as they unstrapped him. He stumbled to his feet and looked at the world.

(when had there been so much color to things?)

He felt like he was in a dream. He felt like he’d taken something, breathed in something toxic and came out seeing rainbows and floating on air and breathing. Is this what breathing feels like? Steve stumbled. He smiled. He laughed.

Is this what living feels like?

(later when everything was said and done Steve categorized every difference to himself, every little nuance that changed, every bit where he didn’t ache, where he didn’t hurt, where he could breathe and see and where his heart beat like it was normal instead of broken, and Steve found himself amazed at the change, amazed that he survived it in the first place even though there hadn’t been any doubt really that he would have stayed dead, he hadn’t so far)